Anger and Conflict Resolution
Have you found yourself in a situation where your anger feels out of control?
It can almost seem like a different version of you emerges and you might do or say things you don’t actually mean.
It happens to a lot of us, and anger is a NORMAL human emotion.
But what do we do when our relationships start to deteriorate because of it?
When it becomes a pattern that’s not serving us or anyone else around us?
Anger is a signal that either:
We’re just plain angry, which means something important to us has been violated or disrespected.
or
We’re carrying unresolved pain, hurt, fear, etc. under the surface and anger feels like the easiest way to release the “pressure valve” once it all gets to be too much.
If we view anger as a signal rather than a “good” or “bad” emotion, we’re able to get curious about it instead of just trying to make it “go away.”
In relationships, we all make mistakes and get upset.
The thing about anger is, the emotion itself isn’t “bad”, but it’s important to separate the emotion (aka signal) and your response (what you actually do or say because of it).
Anger in fact hurts others (and us) if our response is reactionary instead of informed.
On the flip side of this, anger can help us with conflict resolution if we use it to inform us about what matters most to us and use that information to communicate in a productive way.
So, with all of this in mind, how do we have good conflict resolution and use anger in a productive way?
6 Tips for Assertive Conflict Resolution:
1. Take a Minute (or hour!)
When we’re angry our brains begin to take over in ways that can make us feel very out of control. Our amygdala gets activated which tells the rest of us to “act now!”
Unproductive conflict happens when amygdalas have been activated and we continue to try and stick it out without giving ourselves a chance to cool down first.
Instead…let your prefrontal cortex have some time to get back in the game and have a say in what’s going on. This part of your brain is where reasoning, logical thought, and bigger-picture thinking can take place.
Take a bit to cool down and circle back so you can respond in a productive way rather than potentially making things worse.
2. Use assertive body language
Not aggressive, not passive, assertive.
Stand/sit up straight, look the other person in the eye, uncross your arms, avoid slouching or averting your gaze.
This lets the other person know you’re confident yet open at the same time.
3. Use language that isn’t “blame” triggering
We teach a lot of this in couples counseling especially, but it comes into play in any conflict.
We tend to not respond well to feeling blamed or attacked. Although we can’t control how something else receives something, we can do our best to present it in a way that has a better likelihood of being received better.
Instead of “You make me feel so annoyed when you don’t follow through".”
try
“I feel hurt when you don’t do what you say.”
Starting off with how you feel helps the other person realize this conversation is about how you feel, not about how they’re “the worst”.
4. Put the anger “on trial” before jumping into communicating it
While in the time-out phase, give that anger a good inspection to see if it’s based in reality or not.
How you feel is always valid, but it’s not always true.
Ask yourself:
-What proof do I have that these thoughts are true?
-Am I making any assumptions here?
-Is there evidence contrary to my thoughts?
Gather the data and you’ll most likely find your case to be true or false, and use this information to move forward.
5. Be assertive, but also be a great listener
Once again, how you’re feeling is real, but how the other person is feeling is also real.
In the same way you want to be listened to and understood in your anger, so does the other person.
Make sure you allow space for them to talk and try your best to reflect what you’re hearing back to them.
When you do not need to continue to listen and have permission to end the conversation:
-They attack your character
-They use language that is derogatory
-They get aggressive towards you
6. Don’t ruin it by presenting aggressively
You may have thought about what you wanted to say, and have planned out how you want to communicate in order to move towards resolving things.
When you’re in this processing phase also think about how you want to say it tone-wise and how you want to respond even if the other person does or says something triggering. Don’t just plan for your words, plan for the delivery and situation.
At the end of the day, the only person we can control is ourselves. Thinking about who we want to be in these situations and doing our best to respond in line with our values, helps us stay congruent and steer away from cognitive dissonance in our relationships.
Remember: Our anger isn’t the enemy—what’s important is valuing our response over a reaction.
Could you be a good candidate for anger counseling?
You’re in luck! Our counselors specialize in anger management.
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